I am my algorithm
Social Media is changing our personalities and we might not even know it.
I went to a coffee + DJ party in Toronto last weekend but couldn’t even get in. There were almost 600 people already in the venue and almost 100 people waiting in the line before me, trying to fight their way in to get in. The experience was an average $15 for coffee and house music.
It seems far-fetched even for me, someone dancing away, vibing on Brat Summer at the clerb last August, with an espresso martini in my hand. Now, waiting in the cold, at -5 degrees, while the blood to my toes almost froze, all for some coffee? How did I get here?
To answer that question, we need to investigate some of my recent events.
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A Social Media Hair-spiral
Inspired by Pinterest and TikTok, I decided to try something new with my hair. Ten seconds into Googling "perfect hair for brown girly" (yes, Google gets my slang), I stumbled upon 1.8 million results. The one that stopped me in my tracks? The color, Cherry Cola —the perfect combination (maybe not as a drink though). Silky, lush, and vibrant. Besotted, just like over a million others who had liked and shared it.
Next came my nails. This time, I settled on the ultimate winter look: brown with a chrome finish (and yes, I’m pretty sure the chrome is made from some car-grade material, probably carcinogenic). Pair that with the perfect seasonal lip kit, and my winter aesthetic was at its peak. I indulged in the transformation fully.
The veil unraveled when I walked into a restaurant soon after, feeling so cool and chic with my winter look, and saw two other brown girlies with the same hair color, nails, and lips- The winter trifecta. I know we get inspired by each other, but this was a bit too much wasn’t it? It didn’t make me less confident, but no more unique.
I’m now the general version of my algorithm.
Algorithmic Jazz and Existential Dread
The final nail in the coffin was when my Spotify playlist morphed into a never-ending loop of sad jazz tracks and obscure musicians I’d never sought out. Ted Gioia has an interesting take on Spotify's grip, if anyone’s interested to learn more about how the music industry is dictated by algorithms.
I hadn’t chosen this music; it had chosen me.
That’s when the thought struck: Was my algorithm taking over my personality?
Last summer, even Kamal Harris couldn’t get away from the Brat influence and decided to embrace lime green. All the clubs, restaurants, and clothing stores only screamed Charlie XCX’s 365. I don’t think I’ve had so many espresso martinis in my life.
I had loved it—or at least, I thought I had. Was it real love or just an algorithmic nudge?
I tried thinking of other things that the internet introduced me to, and suddenly Avocado popped up. This might be a bit controversial. I don’t remember eating an avocado toast growing up. The first time I probably had it was during my university; now it’s a staple in my house. I thought to myself, do I even like it? I’m a South Asian girl, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Avocado grow in my home country either. Soon the spiral started.
I then tried to make a list of anything else that I did over the last few months that social media might have coerced me into:
Obsession over espresso martinis
Spent too much time on the Blake Lively & Justin Baldoni lawsuit
Convinced my partner to watch Nosferatu; he was traumatized after the bird scene (iykyk)
I’ve used the words cutesy and demure way too many times.
Had a little obsession over gothic aesthetics for a hot second since that’s how I should be dressing up according to my Venus sign
After writing this up, I asked myself did these give me any real joy? The whisper said ‘Joy? Not sure. It was okay’. They were tolerable but were they loved? I don’t think so. But I suppose this is the evolution of experimentation, trying out things, and that’s not bad, right?
A Cross-Generational Experiment
People have always been influenced by their peers for centuries. But what’s different now?
For the first time, trends aren’t confined by age. Gen Alpha, Gen Z, Millennials, Gen X, and even Boomers are all scrolling the same apps, sipping from the same pool of trends. Sure, our feeds are curated, but trends bleed across demographics. Millennials and Gen Z dominate Meta’s user base, and these group’s views are radically changing, and influencing each other almost every day.
Take TikTok. For the longest time, my feed celebrated women excelling independently—traveling solo, retiring their parents, and declaring they didn’t need a man. Then suddenly, it shifted to romanticizing stay-at-home wife life.
Which pill to choose?
Which one was meant for me? It’s not just women. Men are facing their unique existential dilemmas. Washington Post recently covered how dwindling "masculine jobs" and financial struggles have left many men lost, spending too much time online, and falling into the manosphere. Influencers like Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate have stepped into the void. Even the men shaping our tech-driven futures seem confused. Mark Zuckerberg, a mild leftist, who actively fought against mass deportation once has happily moved to his right-wing friend. While Elon Musk, once humanity’s Mars-bound savior, now flirts with alt-right symbolism and recently delivered the horrific Nazi salute at Trump’s inauguration.
The men in the manosphere are also confused.
Socioeconomic Shadows
The American Philosophy Association’s latest survey reveals staggering numbers: 74% of 18–34-year-olds and 70% of 35–44-year-olds find it harder to connect with people today. Financial worries and disconnection plague younger generations more than ever. Men look to their fathers for guidance, only to find a world that no longer matches their expectations.
Does that mean women have figured it all out? A tug of war between the strong, single, independent woman versus the family matron, the Maddon’, making clarified butter from scratch. The likes of Norah Smith or Hannah Nelleman make us fantasize about how life would look like with a masculine man, the provider, who will take care of all our needs, in exchange for some self-starting sourdough and home-made buttermilk. While the other end of the spectrum pulls us to be a ‘corporate baddie’, scorn emotionally unintelligent and unavailable men and their progeny.
Two disjointed, polarizing narratives.
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The Internet’s Apple
Whichever it is, I do feel the world is truly doing everything to ensure we spend the most time online.I should have figured it out when Sean Parker, the founding president of Facebook said the core objective of the company was “How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?”
Plato and Socrates would roll in their graves knowing our modern pursuit of wisdom boils down to dopamine hits from "likes" and "views."
You and I are just a data point to keep this incredible engine running.
Isn’t this the ultimate apple that Adam and Eve devoured? You know something’s up when billionaires confess that they keep their children from their phones. Adam’s Apple and the internet both camouflaged as wisdom, but instead gave us attention deficiencies, insecurities, and a whole myriad of mental health issues.
Living Online, Feeling Alone
So why do I do this to myself and why can’t I stop? I had to go deep, was it the FOMO? I didn’t have much social interactions except for my partner and people at work. I thought of doing a self-inflicted analysis matrix for myself:
Would you stop scrolling if you had money? That doesn’t make sense because I’m sure I’d be scrolling even if I was a millionaire.
Would you stop scrolling if you had friends to chat with in person? Well, if I had people to talk to and activities to do, then maybe.
How do I my spend time with my friends? On the internet…
Everyone I know lives on the internet now. There’s no need to schedule phone booth calls or send letters anymore. Even when we manage to meet in person, our time together is often limited to a rushed two-hour dinner reservation, dictated by restaurants fixated on turning over tables as quickly as possible
It also means I can live far away from home and still stay connected. I can have a remote job, and reconnect with my family and friends over FaceTime or Zoom- when I choose to.
I’m not sure I would have had the courage to immigrate and leave my life behind if staying connected meant relying on once-a-week phone calls and letters. So, while the internet made it easier to rebuild my life from afar, did it also make me feel more alone?
Now I have learned, that not only has the internet heavily impacted my personality but also had influenced some of the biggest life-changing events too, JUST GREAT.
What Now?
One thing is for sure, as I write this, I still do hope for likes and views as well, that’s the human in me. The need for encouragement and acceptance is an old tale that keeps repeating. Social Media and now Substack (currently posing not to be like the others, but we will see), is also an avenue to get our art out. I feel more lonely in this era of bits and bytes, but there seems to be a place where I can make sense of the world and explain it. And that’s a start. I wish to spend less time online, and more time reading and learning this year.
And I hope dear reader, you can do too. Take up a hobby. Hang out with your friends.
But get offline.